Is your mind somewhere else during sex? Do stray thoughts pull you away from the sensations of being with your partner? That's called cognitive distraction, and it has been associated with low sexual desire, arousal, satisfaction… and many faked orgasms.
Feeling distracted or completely disconnected during sex is common, but as you may have found, it can take a toll on your intimate life. Your sex drive may dip, and it might even affect your mental health.
Mindfulness is a powerful tool for helping you stay present during sex. Mindfulness is the practice of noticing what’s happening in your body and thoughts, without judgment or distraction. Multiple studies suggest that mindfulness practices can improve our experience of desire, arousal, and pleasure.
One effective technique is "Body mapping." This practice helps you understand your body and discover its unique erogenous zones. The exercise is about familiarizing yourself with every inch of your body, becoming more aware of how each part feels, senses, and moves.
During a body mapping exercise, you mentally and physically explore how your body responds to different sensations. Using mindfulness and acceptance, your goal is to identify which parts of your body respond with pleasure and which don't.
“[Body Mapping] is bringing awareness to the different parts of the body and the sensations you experience. A lot of people don’t realize [that for them] their earlobes sucked on feels great but having a tongue in their ear is a no,” says Dr. Britney Blair, clinical psychologist, and Lover co-founder.
Mindfulness also improves communication. According to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, people who were more open with their partners about their sexual preferences reported greater sexual satisfaction. To communicate what you like, you first need to learn what you like. Body mapping helps you discover what feels good so you can then guide your partner toward touch you enjoy and away from what you don't.
“Couples love this. It basically gives them a pleasure map to then provide to their partner,” Dr. Blair says. By charting your own path to pleasure, this exercise helps you get specific about your preferences in partnered sex, solo sex, and your personal fantasies.
Gender stereotypes can often dictate what we’re “supposed to” enjoy during sex. This can also occur when you feel obligated to go along with what your partner likes, or what you think they assume you like. This can cause our bodies to shut down and our minds to drift. That's why experts like Dr. Blair recommend body mapping, which helps you focus on what you actually enjoy during sex.
The experimentation and exploration involved in body mapping can make it easier to try new things and talk about your experiences.
Body mapping sounds simple, but it can be the difference between bad sex and good sex, or even good sex and great sex. It can boost your sexual health, reduce stress, and help you stay in the moment. Here’s how to start.