How Can I Get My Partner to Initiate Sex? | Ask Dr. Blair

Q: "I'd like advice for getting a shy partner to initiate sex! It’s always me, and I’d like them to take control once in a while."

While many people might not consider this the sexiest plan, I like to recommend setting a sexy schedule.

This starts with talking to your partner (outside of the bedroom) about how often they'd like to connect erotically, then setting up a schedule that will work for both of you.

Let your partner know that you would like them to take a more proactive role. Make sure to share this request with them in a sexy and positive way, because being critical (or criticized) does not feel sexy!

Make sure you and your partner agree to each take turns initiating on the days you’ve planned to get sexy. If that time comes and one or both of you aren't feeling sexual, that’s fine.

The not-so-sexual partner will need to initiate the next time, preferably within 24 to 36 hours. This will prevent one of you from regularly feeling rejected and the other one from feeling perpetually chased for sex.

Q: Why Am I The One Always Initiating Sex?

Being the initiator can get old and it makes sense that you might begin feeling undesired or unwanted. You probably need to have more open communication about sex.

One thing to keep in mind is that it is challenging to be the one to turn down sex, so both you and your partner are in less than ideal situations. The starting point should likely be asking her what her experience is, what she says will guide you on your next steps together.

I’ll give you a few ideas below, but ultimately it would be worth going through the Desire Discrepancy journey in the Lover app for a more comprehensive exploration of your sexual desire and different relationship advice to improve sex with your partner.

Within long-term relationships, there is likely a lot of history there and a transition from spontaneous to cued arousal.

For example: when you first get together there can be a desire to spontaneously pull each other’s clothes off, but when we are in a long-term relationship a transition often happens where we only get turned on after sexual stimulation of some kind.

Your partner may not be experiencing spontaneous desire. If so, she probably doesn’t realize that she is interested in sex, but if things get started she might become aroused.

There is also something called the pleasure gap, it is a term coined to explain common issues in heterosexual relationships. During heterosexual sex, 95% of men experience orgasm, but only 65% of women do. So, it might be that the sex you and your wife are having isn’t working for her. (This gap is often due to lack of clitoral stimulation and poor sex education.)

To improve your partner’s experience, I recommend asking her if there is something she would enjoy during foreplay or something new she wants to try during sex. This could be as simple as a back massage to get relaxed and sensual before sex, or a different type of stimulation in certain erogenous zones.

She also might suggest a different day of the week or time of day she feels more rested and relaxed during. A time where she can be more present for pleasure and not distracted by to-dos and upcoming events. This will make initiating sex easier.

Exploring with an open mind to get to know what is getting in the way and subsequently what might feel better for her could open up a lot of good conversation.

How Can We Improve Sexual Satisfaction For Both Of Us?

It’s easier to say than to do, but if you are committed to improving sexual pleasure for both of you, we highly recommend the Lover App’s personalized courses.

After downloading, the Lover App will ask you several questions to understand what your needs are and what issue you want to work on.

It will then create a personalized program of video tutorials, physical exercises, and mental practices which have been proven to improve satisfaction in the bedroom.

You can also have your partner download the app, and work on their own course. You’ll be able to compare your Lover personality types and connect with each other to play our infamous Turn-Ons game. This is a perfect way to bring the spark back into your relationship and how to initiate sex in ways your partner is more receptive to.

The Lover App is a proven way to treat common sexual intimacy issues and helps thousands of couples around the world with their bedroom experience, and has been approved by the FDA’s STeP program.

You can install it here and enjoy the 3 Day Free Trial.