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You’ve been together for awhile now, but it seems like you’re having less sex than when you first started dating. If you feel like you're on your way to a sexless relationship, don’t worry – you’re not alone! According to Dr. Britney Blair, "82% of couples report that a satisfactory sex life is crucial to relationship satisfaction." While this doesn't mean that you and your partner have to have mind-blowing sex all of the time, Dr. Blair says that this definitely does mean that "this should be a priority and a consistent topic of conversation." For many people, scheduling sex creates a built-in way to prioritize pleasure and an erotic connection in a relationship, especially for couples with busy and demanding schedules.
1) You've probably done it before
Remember the early stages of your relationship, when you would figure out a time where you're both available, set a date, and look forward to it by dressing up, smelling good, and thinking about sex with them? Or, if you've been in a long-distance relationship, you may have had to look forward to getting down on specific sets of dates when you and your partner visit one another. Outside of a long-term committed relationship, anyone who has ever had a booty call has scheduled sex. It's easier than you think, and it's a direct route to get the sex you want.
2) Develop Passion, Rekindle Desire
Passion ebbs and flows in every long-term relationship. The more routine your lives get, after all, it’s difficult to keep up with your desires—especially when there are kids or other responsibilities vying for your attention. Think of scheduling sex as a way to unfreeze what you once had in your relationship, by making intimacy a priority again. Scheduling sex can reintroduce the anticipation of going on a date, thinking about what you'll wear, and what you'll do. Even if things remain chaste on paper, having a regular date night can actually bring couples closer together; we all love feeling wanted and desired. What better way to make yourself feel cherished than having an erotic date night with your partner?
3) It helps you prioritize pleasure.
Sex can fall to the wayside when we're busy, stressed, or when life gets in the way. This is especially true for long-term relationships. Penciling in time for sex helps you to prioritize this part of your life like you would with any other part of life that's important to you, and reinforces your erotic connection with quality time. Reschedule it if you can’t make it, but do your best to stick to it. Make sure both of you are on board with scheduling time for intimacy and increasing your sexual activity so you don’t accidentally skip over an important date. If something comes up, be honest about it—if you can’t make it for some reason, communicate so that your partner knows what happened and isn’t left feeling neglected or hurt that sex didn’t happen when expected.
Plan ahead by making a note in your schedule reminder for 15 minutes after you have sex: Don’t just rush off right after finishing! Spend a few minutes together afterward cuddling or being physically affectionate. You may even want to engage in a brief chat before doing something else. After all, these moments will give you a chance to reconnect after being so focused on each other during sexual activity, and could help keep sexual chemistry going outside of the bedroom.
4) It's a pressure-reliever.
When sex is a part of your routine, there's less room for stressing over who will initiate, and when. This takes the pressure out of worrying about the frequency of sex in your relationship, and feeling like sex will only happen if one person makes the first move. The best relationships aren’t about how quickly you can get to your destination (after all, good things come to those who wait)—they’re about enjoying every moment of what gets you there. That includes sex. With busy lives and hectic schedules, it can be easy to fall into a routine where foreplay takes a backseat to getting down to business.
But having regular sex—and not just on special occasions—keeps couples connected on an intimate level that nothing else will replace. And when you do finally have sex? It’ll be even better than before! Regular intimacy is amazing for you as a couple, as well as for your physical health. So think of making love as something fun and desirable in itself rather than as a source of stress or obligation; scheduling time together to connect erotically can give both partners more mental clarity and focus throughout their day. Simply put: Making time for love makes us happier people overall.
5) It's a solution for mixed-libido relationships.
It's normal for your libido to fluctuate. Dr. Britney Blair says that, "In mixed-libido relationships, where one person desires sex more than their partner, scheduling sex can reduce pressure on the higher-desire partner to always initiate and risk rejection, and pressure on the lower-desire partner to reject or try to avoid contact that leads to sex." The best way to ensure you both get what you want? Have scheduled sex. Have an upcoming date night? Turn it into a naughty evening with a sexy massage—and then put your plan into action. You can also have all-day dates on specific days of the week. You might need a little extra effort at first to make these scheduled events happen, but once you establish a routine, they’ll become more natural and satisfying as time goes on.
Need more help with increasing your sexual desire and navigating mixed-libido relationships? For self-guided courses and expert guidance, get the Lover app today.